Image: “Still Life” by Noelle Campbell

Hosting after a breakup? These are the recipes you’ve been looking for.

The Break-Up

     4 parts vodka

     1 part orange juice

     Orange bitters

     Bitterness

     1 more part vodka because fuck it, whatever 

Telling Mom

     2 parts gin

     1 part lemon juice 

     1 part “Would it kill you to put on a pair of heels once in a while? Jesus.”

Getting Back on the Horse

    2 parts off-brand corner store ginger ale

    1 part Tanqueray (Note: Continue to take big, intermittent swigs from the bottle while anxiously applying makeup in the kitchen.)

Finance Fuckboy

     1 shot bottom-shelf tequila

     1 can Tecate

     Light blue button-up carelessly mashed into the ill-fitting waistband of a pair of Brooks Brothers khakis

     Garnish with vagueness about intentions

Drunk Text

     5 shots of Fireball

     Water from the bar’s bathroom sink

     Water from the guy who held you hair back at the bar’s bathroom sink

Dark N’ Stormy

     2 parts rum

     3 parts ginger beer

     Wedge of lime

     Rainwater because you’re literally sitting outside in a storm. What are you doing? Go inside.

No Closure

    6 oz whiskey

    2 oz tonic

    Twist of lemon so your drink will look fancy and maybe he’ll think you’re doing okay

    Twist of knife optional