Image: “Still Life” by Noelle Campbell
Hosting after a breakup? These are the recipes you’ve been looking for.
The Break-Up
4 parts vodka
1 part orange juice
Orange bitters
Bitterness
1 more part vodka because fuck it, whatever
Telling Mom
2 parts gin
1 part lemon juice
1 part “Would it kill you to put on a pair of heels once in a while? Jesus.”
Getting Back on the Horse
2 parts off-brand corner store ginger ale
1 part Tanqueray (Note: Continue to take big, intermittent swigs from the bottle while anxiously applying makeup in the kitchen.)
Finance Fuckboy
1 shot bottom-shelf tequila
1 can Tecate
Light blue button-up carelessly mashed into the ill-fitting waistband of a pair of Brooks Brothers khakis
Garnish with vagueness about intentions
Drunk Text
5 shots of Fireball
Water from the bar’s bathroom sink
Water from the guy who held you hair back at the bar’s bathroom sink
Dark N’ Stormy
2 parts rum
3 parts ginger beer
Wedge of lime
Rainwater because you’re literally sitting outside in a storm. What are you doing? Go inside.
No Closure
6 oz whiskey
2 oz tonic
Twist of lemon so your drink will look fancy and maybe he’ll think you’re doing okay
Twist of knife optional